#artemas abrosimov : conversations .

[soulsmashers]

          when  shea  first  knocked  on  the  door,  tony  truly  didn't  want  to  see  him,  the  darkness  inside  him  claimed  that  he  had  to  be  alone,  that  he  had  to  suffer  in  peace.  now,  looking  into  his  big,  stupid  yet  beautiful  brown  eyes,  well...  tony  wants  him  closer.  the  blonde  is  positive  that  will  not  be  how  he  feels  tomorrow,  but  right  now,  he  craves  his  support.  his  validation,  his  love...  him  as  a  whole.  even  if  the  way  tony  loved  was  fucked  up  in  all  ways  imaginable,  he  truly  did  love  shea.  he  loved  him  so  damn  much,  it  was  scary  to  think  about.  he  didn’t  want  to  be  with  anyone  else  even  in  the  moments  where  he  pushed  him  away  and  isolated  himself.  it  was  shea  he  wanted  in  the  end,  it  was  always  him.  “why  are  you  like  this  with  me  when  i  don't  deserve  it?”  his  tone  is  soft,  sounding  deep  and  sentimental,  and  while  the  question  held  so  much  truth  behind  it,  he  had  to  turn  it  into  a  joke,  unable  to  fathom  the  idea  of  getting  deep  and  dark  right  now.  instead,  he's  letting  out  a  small,  playful  grin,  following  up  his  question  with  what  he  supposedly  meant.  “you  know...  dumb,  foolish...  why  are  you  like  that  with  me?”  he  didn't  think  that.  if  anything,  the  blonde  was  convinced  shea  had  to  be  the  most  intelligent,  thought  out  person  ever,  but  his  question  is  still  followed  by  him  poking  his  stomach  playfully.  “not  complaining  my  love,  but  i  am  running  out  of  foundation.”  he  wasn't.  he  also  didn't  have  foundation.  he  wore  the  marks  shea  gave  him  proudly,  but  he  had  to  put  his  mind  elsewhere.  maybe  if  he  teased  him  instead  of  circling  how  awful  he  felt,  he  might  believe  it.  this  is  how  tony  got  when  he  quit  cold  turkey  and  shea  was  around.  it  was  a  second  of  depression,  then  joking  and  being  the  lovey  dovey  person  he  was  deep  down,  but  then...  it  was  like  being  in  the  damn  eye  of  a  hurricane.  he's  trying  to  tell  himself  this  time,  it  won't  get  like  that,  though  he  tells  himself  the  same  thing  every  damn  time  and  the  outcome  is  always  the  same  before  he's  fucking  spiraling  again.  he's  pushing  the  other  away,  but  the  last  thing  he  wants  right  now  is  for  shea  to  leave.  the  tugging  of  his  blonde  locks  makes  him  sigh,  almost  dreamily.  “i'm  not  gonna  spiral  this  time.”  at  least,  not  now.  tony  said  that  every  time,  but  again,  the  result  was  always  the  same  –  he  yelled,  he  pushed  him  away,  and  he  spiraled.  he  knew  it  was  coming.  things  could  only  be  great  for  so  long  before  everything  went  to  shit.  “this  time  no.”  he  wishes  those  words  were  true.  in  fact,  he  says  them  with  so  much  soul,  he  almost  believes  them  himself.  his  emerald  eyes  bore  into  shea's  darker  ones,  chewing  on  his  bottom  lip.  “test  you,  huh?”  he  knew  what  he  was  referring  to,  but  he  still  turned  it  into  something  else.  “you  mean  like…”  he  trails  off,  his  lips  pressing  against  shea's  neck,  as  if  he's  about  to  give  him  a  hickey  and  turn  the  situation  into  an  intimate  one.  then,  without  any  kind  of  warning,  he  blows  a  raspberry  loudly,  unable  to  stop  himself  from  laughing  as  he  takes  a  few  steps  back.  “like  that?  test  you  like  that?”

Shea often found himself caught in the uncertainty of whether Tony truly wanted him or not. It irked him that his boyfriend's behaviour swung between extremes—sometimes Tony was affectionate, craving cuddles and kisses, begging Shea to come over, while other times, he would push Shea away, yelling that he didn't want to see him again. Their relationship was a constant push and pull, a cycle of intimacy and rejection that left Shea on edge. Yet, despite the turmoil, Shea couldn’t help but be captivated by Tony. As he cupped Tony's face in his hands, Tony’s words about 'real soon' coming quicker than expected struck him. Shea reassured him with a smirk, "You don't look bad yet. A little touch-up might help, but you’re not totally fucked." In Shea's eyes, Tony was one of the most stunning people he had ever met, even when life was dragging him down. The gaunt cheekbones and deep eye bags only made him more alluring to Shea, who found himself hopelessly drawn to Tony's unique beauty, no matter the chaos surrounding them. He liked messy. He liked a challenge. When Tony pushed him away, Shea stepped back slightly, his gaze fixed on the hickey he had left on Tony's neck. "We complaining about it now? You weren’t complaining when I was kissing up on you," Shea chuckled, his voice tinged with a mix of amusement and defiance. Shea's affection often manifested through hickeys or bite marks, physical tokens of his frustration that he channelled into moments of passion. He never intended to hurt Tony, but there was something cathartic about sucking on his neck just a little too hard when he was mad. "I must be as deranged as you are because I put up with a lot of your shit," he teased, stepping closer again. His arms wrapped around Tony’s waist, drawing him in as their lips met in a kiss. Shea's smile faded, however, when Tony told him to leave. But Shea wasn’t one to be easily dismissed. "Unless you physically push me out of your place and make me, I ain’t going anywhere," Shea confessed, his voice steady and unwavering. He reached up to gently tug at Tony's blonde locks, a soft yet firm gesture that underscored his resolve. "You ain’t spiralling while I’m around. No matter how much you fight back with me, I can handle you." His words were a promise, a declaration that he wasn’t about to abandon Tony, no matter how chaotic things got between them. Shea was determined to stand by him, to weather the storms of their turbulent relationship, even if it meant pushing back just as hard as Tony did. "Trying fucking around with me. Your going to lose. Test me." Shea had a lot more patience then he let out. Frustration also came out but only because he wanted himself and Tony to work.

[soulsmashers]

          “do  i  look  like  i'm  joking?”  it  was  typical  of  him  to  get  defensive.  in  his  core,  tony  knew  that  kian  didn't  really  deserve  it,  but  it  was  easier  to  act  this  way  as  opposed  to  taking  responsibility  for  his  own  actions.  what  he  really  needs  is  a  proper  punch  to  the  face,  but  the  odds  of  anyone  going  that  route  with  him  and  slim  to  none.  “see,  that's  the  thing.  one  moment  you're  gonna  wanna  be  here  for  me,  the  next  you'll  get  sick  of  me.  i'm  just  trying  to  save  you  the  time  in  between  it  all.  i  mean,  you're  a  good  looking  guy,  you  know?  i'm  sure  plenty  of  other  people  who  aren't  constantly  in  and  out  of  rehab  would  definitely  give  you  the  time  of  day.”  that  was  about  as  real  as  he  could  get.  “i'm  just  not  sure  why  you  wanna  waste  your  time  with  me,  is  all.”

"are you serious right now?" not a real question, tone laced with slight irritation. his typical chill demeanor slipping for only a second. getting mad is useless, knows he needs to be understanding. kian takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly as he listens. "damsel in distress? this isn't a fairy tale and i'm definitely not a prince," a quick chuckle slips into the air surrounding them. he pauses, pondering to himself. "i'm just trying to be there for you." he shrugs. "what that means, you get to decide."

[soulsmashers]

          “what  are  you  talking  about?  you  don’t  like  watching  gordon  ramsey  scream  at  incompetent  cooks?”  acting  like  an  idiot  was  his  go  to,  even  when  all  he  wanted  was  to  french  kiss  the  other,  but…  baby  steps ( for now ).  “do  you  not  like  spending  time  with  me?”  a  neat  brow  is  raised,  almost  challengingly.  his  fingertips  lift  to  gently  trace  his  bicep.  firm,  hard,  clearly  well  worked,  things  that  were  enough  to  drive  him  absolutely  fucking  insane,  make  him  more  unhinged  than  he  already  was.  just  like  that,  he  sets  his  hand  back  down  onto  his  side.  “we  can  watch  whatever  you  want  then.  eat  whatever  you  want…  do  whatever  you  want.”  major  emphasis  on  eat  and  do.  if  gabe  knew  him  well  enough,  he  knew  partaking  in  drug  use  was  always in  the  question  for  tony.  “so?  what’s  it  gonna  be?”

@divinaoscuridad

" something tells me you did not invite me just watch television . and this isn't even good television . "

[soulsmashers]

          tony  knew  that  sometimes,  his  moods  could  be  as  sporadic  as  the  weather.  there  were  times  where  he  wanted  shea  around  constantly,  while  there  were  also  other  times  where  he  felt  the  need  to  isolate  himself  and  push  everyone  away,  shea  included.  get  into  his  own  mind  and  lose  the  plot,  all  while  he  drowned  in  a  sea  of  depression  and  meaningless  drug  use.  he  wasn’t  sure  why  shea  put  up  with  it  as  much  as  he  did,  knowing  deep  in  his  heart  that  he  deserved  better  than  someone  as  fucked  up  as  him.  he  felt  selfish  to  hold  onto  the  other  so  dearly,  but  he  can’t  for  the  life  of  him  let  go.  the  thought  of  shea  being  with  anyone  else  is  enough  to  make  him  feel  physically  ill,  fully  convinced  that  shea  is  his  person.  “i’m  gonna  start  looking  like  shit  real  soon?”  he  chuckles,  but  it’s  weak,  forced.  he’s  tired  and  he’s  clearly  depressed  and  on  the  brink  of  spiraling,  but  he’s  trying.  “i  believe  the  ‘real  soon’  came  a  bit  quicker  than  anticipated.”  he  knew  he  looked  like  a  mess.  or  at  least  he  really  felt  he  looked  a  mess.  maybe  in  shea’s  eyes  he  didn’t,  but  it’s  how  he  felt.  this  time,  he  smiles  softly,  the  first  genuine  smile  he’s  produced  in  days.  “baby,”  his  hand  lifts  to  cup  his  cheek,  his  thumb  caressing  the  soft  skin  in  a  comforting  manner,  “i  think  you  have  the  absolute  most  horrid  taste  in  men.”  though  he’s  laughing  towards  the  end,  something  that  always  felt  so  natural  around  the  other.  he  didn’t  think  he  was  particularly  unattractive  physically,  but  tony  definitely  needed  therapy  of  some  sort.  his  good  looks  are  typically  wasted  by  a  lot  of  the  life  choices  he  makes,  choices  that  are  enough  to  make  anyone  angry,  especially  a  lover.  this  is  why  shea’s  confession  doesn’t  come  as  a  surprise  to  tony,  even  if  a  part  of  him  is  tempted  to  snap  at  him.  not  because  of  his  words  exactly,  but  because  he’s  beyond  irritable  right  now.  it  was  as  if  acting  out  towards  people  who  did  care  about  him  would  somehow  make  everything  better,  when  all  it  proved  to  do  was  worsen  whatever  situation  he  found  himself  in.  a  hand  goes  to  touch  the  hickey  the  other  had  pointed  out,  a  sheepish  grin  spreading  across  his  lips.  “it’s  so  hard  not  to  wear  it  when  it’s  as  massive  as  it  is.  also,  it’s  so  purple!”  he  shoves  him  playfully,  though  what  he’s  saying  is  very  much  true.  it  ran  a  deep  crimson  color  and  it  was  huge.  tony  can’t  recall  that  night  exactly,  but  he  figures  shea  was  probably  really  pissed  off  with  him.  the  blonde  grows  quiet  at  his  following  words,  chewing  on  his  bottom  lip,  the  smallest  hint  of  a  worn  out  grin  etching  at  the  corner  of  his  lips.  “maybe  you’re  just  as  deranged  as  i  am.”  this  time,  his  arms  wrap  around  his  neck,  light  hazel  hues  boring  into  his  darker  ones.  soon  enough,  tony  closes  the  gap  between  them  by  pressing  his  lips  against  his  shea’s.  it’s  delicate  and  lasts  maybe  a  second  before  his  nose  rests  against  his.  “i  think  you  should  go.”  he  whispers,  though  he  makes  no  attempt  to  push  him  away.  instead,  his  hands  clutch  onto  the  back  of  his  shirt,  his  lips  saying  one  thing  but  his  actions  showing  another. 

Shea had been told time and again that he should be with someone who didn't cold shoulder him every so often. Shea knew he could probably find someone with whom he didn't have such frequent ups and downs as he did with Tony, but the difference was that he wouldn't love them as much as he loved Tony. Tony fucked him off a lot, but Shea cared about the blonde more than he let on. If Shea ever thought about letting go of their relationship, his mind would eventually be consumed by thoughts of Tony until he found himself at Tony's doorstep once again. "You got mirrors around here? You're gonna start looking like shit soon," the dark-haired boy teased in a low voice. "Gotta keep your looks up; I don't want people seeing you and thinking I don't have good taste in guys," he teased. Shea's eyes took in the subtle differences in Tony's features—changes only someone who knew Tony well could notice. As the dark-haired boy looked into Tony's eyes, their gazes locked in a rare moment of unguarded honesty. His eyes searched Tony's face intently when Tony admitted how he felt about Shea. The boy jumped when Tony's fingertips brushed against him, the small touch taking him by surprise because he was so focused on looking deeply at Tony. Shea felt Tony playing with the ring on his pinky finger, nodding his head as he confessed, "I'm almost always angry at you, but it doesn't mean that I instantly hate everything about you." He continued, "You piss me off, but I still care about you. Besides, this is nice," he admitted, admiring the ring that Tony had picked out for him. Shea's gaze shifted to Tony's neck as he pulled the collar down, revealing the hickey he had given Tony. "You're wearing the hickey I gave you, so we're even," he commented, a smug grin spreading across his lips. Shea gently pulled the collar back up, his fingers smoothing out the material so it didn't look like it had been messed with. He took a small step back, clearing his throat to regain his composure. His eyes darted to the kitchen, but he couldn't help glancing back at Tony, taking in every detail of him. Sometimes it hurt to fall for this boy, because Shea wanted nothing more than to fix everything for Tony, but there was always a barrier between them that made the duo clash. "Something has to keep bringing me back, huh?" Shea said softly, his voice tinged with a mix of frustration and affection. "Can't just be that pretty face of yours."

[soulsmashers]

          there's  a  part  of  tony  that  knows  that  they  don't  deserve  each  other,  that  they  shouldn't  be  together,  but  any  sense  of  better  judgment  flies  out  the  window  the  second  their  eyes  meet.  there  is  no  one  on  this  damn  planet  who  could  make  him  feel  so  high  at  times,  yet  so  low  in  others.  he  can't  ever  let  him  go  –  he  is  so  stupidly  in  love  with  this  man,  it  drives  him  insane.  “do  i?  i  hadn't  quite  noticed.”  oh,  he  noticed.  he's  positive  shea  knows  him  well  enough  to  pick  up  on  that.  there's  always  been  a  tired  look  to  his  emerald  green  eyes,  even  before  he  started  using,  but  right  now,  his  dark  circles  are  deep  and  sunken.  his  gaze  looks  tired,  his  skin  a  lot  more  pale  than  usual.  his  lips,  while  not  colorless,  are  a  dull  shade  of  pink,  and  his  light  blonde  locks  are  a  mess.  a  sigh  leaves  his  lips  as  the  other  grabs  onto  his  jaw,  examining  his  features  and  asking  the  question  that  always  seemed  to  have  a  different  answer.  “i'm  not.”  it's  not  a  lie.  this  is  particularly  why  he  looks  so  out  of  it  as  well,  quitting  cold  turkey  does  this  to  him.  it's  been  a  week  and  he  hasn't  even  turned  to  alcohol  either.  tony  is  trying,  but  he's  not  sure  how  much  longer  that  will  last.  it's  a  constant  on  and  off  thing  for  him.  his  eyes  shut  as  shea  roughly  let's  go  of  his  face.  he  feels  so  pathetic  because  shea's  words  make  him  want  to  sob,  because  while  he  knows  it's  not  particularly  true,  he  can't  even  say  it's  a  full  on  lie  either.  “that's  not  true.”  his  voice  is  barely  above  a  whisper  as  he  finally  looks  at  the  other.  “you  know  how  i  feel  about  you.”  this  time,  his  tone  is  a  lot  more  firm.  it's  like  his  body  has  a  mind  of  it's  own,  that  much  is  proven  when  he  reaches  to  grab  shea's  hand,  tony's  fingertips  running  along  his,  not  daring  to  look  him  in  the  eyes  this  time.  he  plays  with  the  ring  he  wore  on  his  pinky  finger,  one  he  had  given  to  him,  one  that  tony  didn't  think  he  would  currently  be  wearing.  “you're  wearing  my  ring  i  gave  you.”  he  states,  a  topic  change,  one  he  doesn't  believe  will  stick,  but  it's  worth  a  shot.  he  also  feels  the  need  to  point  it  out  because  it  makes  his  heart  warm,  but  it  also  makes  him  want  to  cry  at  the  same  time.  “why?  i  thought  you  were  angry  with  me.”

Shea knew he shouldn't be here, standing on Tony's doorstep against his parents' strict warnings to stay away. They had made it clear how much they disapproved of Tony, urging Shea to cut ties, but no matter how often he and Tony clashed, Shea couldn't ignore the pull to check in on him. The dark-haired boy's concern ran deep, buried beneath layers of frustration and arguments, and the thought of not knowing how Tony was faring gnawed at his conscience. As the door swung open, Tony's annoyance was evident, his expression darkening at the sight of Shea. "You look a mess," Shea remarked bluntly, stepping inside without waiting for an invitation. He hung his coat on the familiar hook he'd installed himself, a small act of defiance against his parents' wishes. Closing the door, he scanned Tony with a critical eye. "You look drawn in," he observed, his voice softening with concern as he cupped Tony's cheeks to get a closer look at his weary face. "Are you still doing coke?" he asked quietly, the words tinged with a mix of worry and annoyance. "you aren't going to stop doing that shit ever, are you? No matter how many times I ask." he roughly let go of Tony's face with a firm pat against it first. "You'd even chose coke over spending time with me."

[soulsmashers]

          “i  don’t  mind  you  being  here  for  me,  but  it  just  borderline  feels  like  you  only  want  to  check  up  on  me,  not  actually  be  my  friend.”  with  good  reason.  it’s  not  like  tony  has  the  best  track  record  or  anything.  odds are that this is not the case or kian's intention at all, but with his life experiences, it's hard for him to genuinely believe that someone just wants to be there for him with no other ulterior motive. “i’m  not  some  damsel  in  distress,  okay?  i  don’t  need  you  meddling  or  prying  into  my  business.  i  also  don’t  need  to  be  fixed  or  coddled.”

"i wish you'd stop pushing me away and let me be here for you."

[soulsmashers]

          lots  of  things  in  tony’s  life  were  always  radically  changing.  his  sobriety,  his  hobbies,  even  his  parents’  love  and  attention,  were  just  a  few  of  many  examples  of  how  unstable  it  all  was.  his  relationship  with  shea,  unfortunately,  wasn’t  exempt  from  this.  when  it  was  good,  it  was  fucking  fantastic,  but  when  it  was  bad,  it  was  awful.  still,  it  was  the  one  thing  tony  couldn’t  seem  to  fully  let  go  of,  and  the  one  thing  he  didn’t  want  to  lose.  even  when  they  were  ‘broken  up’,  a  voice  in  the  back  of  his  head  knew  that  they  would  eventually  find  their  way  back  to  each  other.  that  much  is  proven  when  the  other  starts  pounding  at  his  door,  causing  tony  to  lower  the  music  he  had  been  blasting.  he  knew  shea  well  enough  to  know  that  he  was  checking  up  on  him,  something  that  tony  loved  yet  absolutely  despised.  he  opens  the  door,  letting  out  a  sigh.  “yes,  i  can  hear  you,”  his  voice  is  laced  with  annoyance,  even  if  he  is  secretly  thrilled  to  see  him.  “i  also  don’t  need  you  checking  up  on  me  –  i’m  fine.”  lies.

Shea stood outside Tony’s apartment, puzzled by his own impulse to come over. He wasn't sure what to expect; Tony's moods were unpredictable. Still, he had his reasons: he wanted to see how Tony was holding up after their heated argument a couple of weeks a go and retrieve the jacket he had left behind in his hasty departure during the early morning. Determined, Shea knocked on the door with a firm insistence, his hand pounding loudly against the wood. "Tony, open up!" he called out, his voice tinged with a mix of concern and frustration. "I know you can hear me." ( @soulsmashers )